Humor in Heels

Wedding Drunk and Other Disasters

I lost my phone at a wedding in Minnesota. I may or may not have been drunk.

I plead the fifth.

My last memory of my phone is asking a friend to take a picture and helping him with the flash. Then, I put it back on our table in the reception hall.

And then…poof…it was gone.

Now, you may be thinking: “Rachel, are you sure you lost your phone? It could have been stolen.”

Ahhh, Gentle Reader, you are smarter than the average bear.

There is a distinct possibility that my phone was stolen, rather than merely lost.

But there are several reasons why I think my phone was not stolen. Here are the top 3:

  1. It was an iPhone 5c.
    They just came out with the iPhone X.
    At this point, to sell an iPhone 5c, you would have to strap a $20 bill to the back of it and beg people to buy it from you.

 

  1. My phone was sitting next to my purse, which had plenty of cash in it.
    #drinkmoney #draaaanks
    If a thief were looking to snatch my stuff, wouldn’t they go for the cash instead of the phone?

 

  1. The irony of surviving two years in Barcelona without a pickpocketing incident…only to have my iPhone stolen in quiet, homely Minnesota…well, the irony would be just too much for my mind to comprehend.

 

So, I’m not sure if my phone was lost or stolen.

But it doesn’t matter.

What matters is that I was suddenly phoneless, conducting an experiment called, “How does a person survive without a smartphone?”

Ok, it was an accidental (and not particularly pleasant) experiment.

But an experiment nonetheless.

So, how does a person survive without an iPhone?

There was a small part of me…ok, a large part of me…that thought I would completely freak out without a smartphone.

I mean, look at what I was missing out on:

I missed a text containing the meaning of life, compliments, and nuclear launch codes?!?!

Nooooooooooo!

 

Thus far, I have been sans-iPhone for two weeks and I have discovered that there are 3 phases:

 

Phase 1: Grief and Disbelief

During my “Grief and Disbelief Phase,” I truly believed that my lost iPhone would come back to me.

It was merely lost, I reasoned, its return was only a matter of time.

In order to entice my phone to come back to me, I wrote it a love poem.

Or rather, a love haiku.

Remember haikus?

Those Japanese poems that have 5 syllables on the first line, 7 syllables on the second line, and 5 syllables on the last line?

Yeah, here’s mine:

 

Lost while wedding drunk
Come back with your pics and case
Electronic friend

 

Who could resist such sweet, tender, loving poetry?

If I were a phone, I would come back to me.

 

Phase 2: Weird World

After two weeks the “Grief an Disbelief” phase, I transitioned into Phase 2, “Weird World.”

In the “Weird World” phase, I discovered how freaking weird it was to live in a world without a smartphone.

For example, I needed to call and make an eye doctor appointment, and without a cell phone, I had to use a landline.

A landline.

When was the last time you used one of those?

Stop trying to steal my spotlight, Chad! 😛

 

I mean, where do you even find a landline phone these days?

Aren’t those extinct?

Well, I guess there is one sitting on my desk at work, but I don’t know why.

No one else on my entire floor has a landline, but for some reason my desk came with one.

And it just collects dust.

I mean, look at this pic. Does this look like a relic or what?

 

<<<insert pic of landline phone here>>>

 

…do you get it?…

…wait for it…

…think about it…

…wait…

…it will come to you…

…waaaaaait…

Ok, fine. I’ll give you the punchline:

There is no picture of a landline because…I don’t have a smartphone, so there is no way for me to take a picture of that landline!

I literally wrote the words “Does this look like a relic or what?” and then, with a blinding flash, realized I had no way of taking a picture of the landline for this blog post.

How crazy is that?

Welcome to Weird World.

 

Phase 3: Chaos and Hilarity

Turns out, living without a smartphone is hilarious.

For example, take the time that I wanted to meet up with my friend, Katie, and I suddenly realized that I couldn’t use my phone’s GoogleMaps app and thus had no idea how to get to her house:

 

 

This conversation was made even more hilarious by the fact that we had to communicate via Facebook Messenger because (duh) I can’t text.

 

I have officially survived two weeks without a cell phone and I have to admit: I have finally caved.

I cannot survive it any longer.

I am in a new phase, the final phase of my experiment. Phase 4: Acceptance and Defeat.

I have to admit that my old phone is not going to miraculously re-appear and I need to buy a new one.

Thankfully, Black Friday is just around the corner and I’m able to limp by with a lender from my roomie while I’m waiting for some dealz.

(Thanks Stephen!)

So, after Turkey Day, I will be rejoining the 21st century.

In the meantime, keep an eye out for my smoke signals.

 

Hey, gurl, heeeeeey! Did you miss me?

Good. I missed you, too. 

 

I love writing and making you laugh. And I miss that. 

So, I’m re-starting this blog and posting every other Sunday about funny and random stories of adventure and misadventure.

If you want more laughter in your life, consider subscribing. 

 

If you previously subscribed to my blog, but aren’t getting email updates anymore, it’s because I hate you. 

JK. 

It’s because your subscription is attached to the old platform and you’ll have to re-subscribe. #sorry

#sorrynotsorry

I mean, have you checked out this website? It’s fancy as f**k. 

 

 

 

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